My Story - Ellen Snidor

I can remember flirting with everyone when I was a teenager, even married men. When I got my first job, at age 15, I started flirting with one of the guys who worked there - an older man who was married. It started out as just innocent flirting but quickly became more. We started “making out” at work in any discrete place we could find. I wasn’t even physically attracted to him. I just liked the thrill, the rush it gave me.

At age 16, I started having sex. My boyfriend, Phillip and I had a date one night and I was setting up his friend, Jeff with my friend, Jeannie. During the night Phillip suggested I hook-up with Jeff and he hook-up with Jeannie. I agreed. It’s not that I was particularly attracted to Jeff. It’s just that it sounded exciting so why not?

At age 18, I went to a work party and ended up playing strip poker with some of the male co-workers and a male manager. I am lousy at poker, so I ended up basically naked making out with some guy whose name I don’t even remember.

At age 20, I went to my boss’ party. I ended up drunk with a broken ankle. I also woke up naked next to some guy who was also naked. I still don’t have any memory of that night.

At age 21, I was going to the store. Donnie, who was now married to my friend Jeannie, asked if he could come with me. I said sure. We ended up parked somewhere and had sex in the back seat of my car. I found out later I was pregnant. (I ended up having an abortion, which I still regret to this day.)

Then around age21, I discovered credit cards. My family says that “shop til I drop” was written for me. I would run up huge amounts of debt, obtain consolidation loans, and run up debt again. It was normal for me to have a consolidation loan and owe on credit cards at the same time. It seemed almost as soon as the ink was dry on the consolidation loan paperwork, I’d start using credit cards again. At one point in my life I had 24 credit cards and all of them were maxed out. My dad paid off all my credit card bills twice and co-signed for me 2 times for consolidation loans. Eventually he grew tired of doing this for me and I grew tired of asking. No one, including myself, understood why I did this over and over and over again. They thought I just had a shopping problem. I mean I wasn’t selfish. I shopped for other people as well. I loved to give gifts to people and almost always, gifts I couldn’t afford.

It seems as if the shopping kept my maniac sex episodes at bay for a while. Then at age 35, I had my first affair. I was happily married, and yet, I loved the risk involved in seeing this new man. We would meet in my office after work and have sex on my desk. He was married as well, and often we would have sex at his house in his bed. We had sex in my bed. We had sex in the car. We would walk in public holding hands. It was invigorating. We stopped seeing each other after about 2 years. We were getting too close and that couldn’t happen. That was against our rules.

Then at age 38, I began my second affair. Again, it was exciting and risky. I loved the risk and danger involved. It made me feel alive. We were openly “friends.” We even went to the movies one night and afterwards had sex outside on a river bank. Wow!!!! That was the best sex of my life. After about 4 years of seeing him though, he wasn’t enough I needed more. While I was still seeing him¸ although not as frequently since we were no longer working at the same company, I began getting on-line and chatting with other guys. I would get on yahoo messenger and chat very suggestively with men I didn’t know. I set up a very suggestive MySpace page. Soon the chatting evolved into hooking up with men I didn’t even know. It was exhilarating!! In a 2 year span I had sex with more men (while married) then before I got married. Eventually I got to the point where I had multiple partners at the same time. I was hitting rock bottom and I knew I had to do something before I ruined my life and possibly others.

I made an appointment with my family doctor. Although it was difficult I was completely honest with him (although in vague terms). He diagnosed me as being bi-polar and put me on medication. He also recommended I begin seeing a therapist. After two years of adjusting my medication, he said there was nothing else that he knew to do. He said that he felt I need to see a psychiatrist in addition to my therapist, so that my meds could be adjusted correctly.

My therapist recommended a psychiatric nurse practitioner in her office. I began seeing her every 6 weeks in addition to the therapist. My therapist was my life-line. She listened to me, talked to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. She was the first person in my life I was ever completely honest with. The psychiatric nurse practitioner adjusted my meds for many months. For the first time in 21 years I finally feel like I am on the right track. I am still seeing my therapist, although not as often, and I continue to see the psychiatric nurse practitioner every 2 months as well. She tells me that I will need to take my medication for the rest of my life or she fears I will be self-destructive. I feel fortunate that I haven’t been.

I am currently 42 years old. I have one consolidation loan and owe on approximately 12 credit cards. I have been shopping more than I should. I am still living above my means, but it is a different type of shopping. I look at price tags; I shop sales. And it has been many months since I’ve hooked up with anyone. I am nowhere near completely “fixed.” However ; for the first time, in a long time I finally feel as if I am on the right path.